so apparently some of my items in my list of things I liked and did not like when I was a teenager elicited some reaction, because I have now received several emails and questions from people wanting to know what is up with me hating church and if I am getting over it, growing up at all, things like that.
wow.
we've all got stories. we've all got reasons for who we are, who we are not. for the things we believe, for the things we do not believe. I have hope that I'm changing, maybe even for the better. and in the meantime, I'm cleaning up certain aspects of who I am - I'm learning I don't have to be right all the time, I'm learning I don't have to try and go for shock value to make my points, I'm learning that there are a lot of people who communicate very differently than me and my friends, and I'm learning that I don't always represent myself very well with my writing.
which is why, as regular readers know, this blog has undergone a major overhaul. I mostly post about my photography and my music, and seldom talk about my religious or political beliefs.
I've been enjoying transforming theworstweblogintheworld into a sort of creative showcase, but since it has come up and since I've told a few people I'd probably post something about where BTM is now, I guess I'll do that.
the truth is, I never liked church. as a kid, I dreaded sundays, and as I got older, I couldn't help but question it. the ironic thing is that I've always been really involved with church. mostly because I play and produce a lot of church music, and mysteriously, I really enjoy church music. I'm still figuring that one out, but I think it's because I love music, because music is kind of like my first tongue, and because music that says something is always meaningful, and I think church music, at it's core, is actually saying something. at least it should be. the reason you likely have a low view of church music is because you've been overwhelmed with how bad it can be when it's not saying anything. or when it's saying horrible things.
but when it's good, it's really good. I was in st. louis visiting this church about a year ago and there was this huge choir and this symphony and I don't even know what the song was, and I don't even like choirs or symphonies, but the music was huge and it was saying something massive - I have no idea what the song was even about - but it was way bigger than me, and I knew it immediately, and I sat down and wept. it caught me totally off guard.
and this past sunday, we did a song called "god of my life" at red mountain. it's I think maybe the best song to come out of our little church, even though the version we recorded is not as good as it should be. but this past sunday we sang it at red mountain and it gave me chills, because I think I believed what the song said. if only for a moment. and because the song had so much energy. and it didn't have energy for any sort of contrived reason. it had energy because we all really love that song and we just sort of had to play it. maybe like how I sort of can't help but feel this constant belief pulling on the corners of my dark, doubting soul. you know?
so that's what's good about church. that it is a place where hope and life meet. that is a place for people to come and cling to eachother; to cling to faith. that it is a place where darkness fades to light, if only in moments.
but what is sad about church is all the ways it hurts, all the ways it disappoints, all the ways it is not safe, all the ways it fails. these things are obvious and they are real, and maybe where I get most upset is when I am made to feel like my frustrations and sadness about where the church falls short is immature, ungracious, unchristian, unwarranted. maybe it's true that I don't handle myself as well as I could or should, but since when is it not okay to cry out that things are not as they should be? that something seems off?
and when a place that should be for the broken, the hurting, the poor, the sad, the doubting, the stranded, the lonely, the questioning, the divorced, the widowed, the outcast, the hungry, the afraid, the rejected...is suddenly all filled up with people who seem so amazingly put together, one can only question how this happened. clearly, this is contrary to the design, isn't it?
I honestly believe that what drives my angst about church and the bible and about christianity is my hope that all those things are actually true and real. I'm not in a fight against anything. at least I'm trying to learn not to be. I think I'm just fighting my own demons, and hoping jesus will show up. god, I really hope jesus shows up.
but until then, I'll keep making music. and I'll write less blogs like these.
and I'll especially make music to old hymns, because the old hymns were written by men and women who looked like me. I am more and more convinced of that.
and I'll keep taking pictures, because photos of empty places proclaim the gospel. I can't explain that. but it's true.
