Wednesday, July 2, 2008

sometimes I just need to be still.

I have a few friends – one in particular – who subtly encourage me to be more comfortable with the fact that I really need to be still. I feel torn because I like to go to parties and see people and laugh with people and sing with people and talk about how confused and scared we all are. And I feel compelled to spend a lot of time with people. I live for long nights, cool breezes, stiff drinks, hard conversations. I have a lot of truly beautiful friendships and people I care about, and I am thankful for that.

And I feel like a lot of people need me and that is probably not even very true but sometimes I feel like I’m carrying this heavy load and all I want to do is lay down underneath it, and hope for rain.

And I make this music that I don’t even believe in, and the way it affects people strikes me somewhere deep inside and I don’t know what to do with that. It makes me feel really alone. And I feel very misunderstood and I realize that is mostly my fault. And part of me wants to just totally blow all that up and just let people be disappointed in me.

I quit my job a few weeks ago, sort of. I’ve been working in economic development for several years now – it started when brooke was in grad school and I had to take on extra work to get her through school – I was with the chamber of commerce, and the past 6 months I’ve been working out in shelby county. It’s actually a really good job / career path, and I guess I’m kind of good at it, which surprises me, but I’ve had some tremendous opportunities come my way in recent months and I have to go for it. so I’m now working part time for the county, and I have more time to pursue my other interests. ultimately, I’m pursuing self-employment, which has been my goal from the beginning.

And I have more time to live my life. I’m going to try to not work so much.

I’ve been getting a lot of work as a photographer lately. Like, a lot. I’m actually kind of angry about that. Actually, I think I’m really angry about that. I’ve told a few people about it but I feel weird talking about it.

The thing about me is, I’m not a photographer. A friend told me recently that the reason people probably like my photography as much as they do is because I don’t hide behind it so much. that since I don’t care about it as much (as my music) that there is a freeness to it that translates a little easier to people.

I guess that’s all probably true. But it still makes me angry.

maybe I’ll write more about this later.

9 comments:

Liz said...

angry because you'd rather get more work as a musician?

Brian T. Murphy said...

well, not exactly. I get plenty of work as a musician. I think its more angering because it has revealed to me, again, how vastly underpaid and under-appreciated musicians are.

Anonymous said...

the need to be still rubs off in your wedding shots. look at your previous post of your favorite shots. contemplative groom, empty table, empty field, and that couple with their backs to you placed very small in the frame walking away in yet another empty field....lonely.

perhaps what you enjoy most about photography, and maybe music too, are the spontaneous, lonely, and quiet places that it lets you escape to.

weddings and churches are the antithesis of those places.

t.sc said...

I agree. You do too much crap. I'm also starting to like the idea of changing our name to The Angry Photographers.

I do sense that you carry a lot of loads. I hope that photography doesn't become one because I like doing it with you.

brett said...

weekends on motorcycles under the stars are good for being still. so when is our next trip?

Jeff Irwin said...

i've been reading a lot of twain lately.. your post jogged this quote:

Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink- under any circumstances.
- Mark Twain's Notebook

Anonymous said...

so are you saying that photographers are over paid?

Bambino333

Willis Blog said...

Lots of empathy in my soul for you. Not sure how else to really say it. I sense the heaviness of your burden from your writing.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the Willis Blogger. I too, have that feeling for you.