Sunday, July 13, 2008

brett = really good rollerblader

a lot of people don't really rollerblade anymore. this is because rollerblades cause cancer (more on that later). but not brett. brett loves to rollerblade almost as much as he loves to train his dogs to undress my wife (more on that later as well), and for as long as I have known him, he has been rollerblading.

BTM, that's ridiculous. roller blades don't cause cancer. that's what you're thinking right now. I know it. it's okay. you can say it.

one time brett was rollerblading through a park and he hit a tree. and you know what happened? he bled everywhere. that's right. even his eyeballs were bleeding. when we finally got to him it looked like a tree had just eaten his face and legs, and we were pulling bark out of his earholes and everything. it was crazy. I actually licked some sap out of his armpits. I know. gross. I thought so too. I don't even really like sap.

rollerblades have 4 wheels, and they strap onto your feet, and they allow you to easily glide over pavement while simultaneously announcing to the world that you hate yourself and that when you go home you will probably drink a big glass of gasoline.

rollerblades also are kind of like shoes, with wheels, except instead of like regular shoes, which allow you to walk and kick and run and dance like a regular human being, roller blades hurt your feet and encourage you to pretend that you are awesome, like mel gibson, who is actually not very awesome at all anymore. 

rollerblades are sometimes worn with knee pads, and elbow pads, and wrist pads, and a bicycle helmet. and all combined this uniform suggests to the world that you are fully prepared and actually requesting to have your ass kicked, by 6 year olds, as soon as possible. I saw this happen once. it was awesome. the 6 year olds actually threw the bleeding rollerblader into a raging river and watched, laughing and clapping, as children often do, as the heavy rollerblades dropped the tortured rollerblader to his death at the bottom of the water.

one time someone threw a rollerblade at my face and knocked out one of my teeth. I caught my tooth in my hand, threw it back and killed the guy. true story.

another time it rained rollerblades. it was like hail, except it was rollerblades, falling from the sky. at first everybody was like "oh my god rollerblades are raining from the sky this is SO crazy." but then everybody got real excited about it and was totally like "FREE ROLLERBLADES!"

we were all excited until we remembered how much rollerblades suck and then we totally hated the sky again. I shook my fist and clenched my teeth and then I stabbed a rollerblader.

if I had a pair of really good rollerblades, I would set them on fire. and then I would set that fire on fire. think about THAT.

sometimes rollerblades come with extra wheels. or maybe they are replacement wheels. but the thing about those wheels is, nobody uses them for rollerblading. they use them for food. because that's how miserable everybody is after they buy rollerblades.

one time I saw a rollerblader who was so depressed that he actually ate his feet off. it took him a long time, and I got bored watching.

people say rollerblading is like ice skating. but that is a lie. ice skating is way better. one time when I was in college I totally went ice skating and it was one of the best days of my entire life. another time in college I went rollerblading and I got beat up by the swim team. no joke.

the only thing worse than rollerblading is wearing a fanny pack. and the only thing worse than that is wearing a fanny pack while roller blading, which is kind of like dropping your head inside a toilet and then tasting the plumbing with your tongue. I know. gross. that's one of the reasons I never wear a fanny pack. or rollerblade.

if I was a ninja, I would kill all the rollerbladers with swift kicks.

people say rollerblading is good exercise. well, I say that good exercise is running 7 marathons at once, NOT rollerblading.

people also say that you shouldn't drink and drive. people say all sorts of things.

now I know what you're thinking. what's this about brett training his dog to undress your wife? well, I'm not going to talk about that right now. but it's true.


brett said...

man i really appreciate this post. although there were a bunch of highlights, my favorite part is without a doubt...

"if I had a pair of really good rollerblades, I would set them on fire. and then I would set that fire on fire. think about THAT."

Under The Mountain said...

Um, I read somewhether that the rollerblade manufacturer prefers that you say "in line skating" instead of "rollerblading" because they want to protect their trademark. I thought you might want to know who you're offending with your blog post, Brian!

McCool said...

this stuff makes me laugh out loud, brian. it reminds me of those snl deep thoughts by jack handy, but better.

Anonymous said...

dude. you need to grow up and get a life.

Jeff and Brandi Koonce said...

jeff used to tell this one joke. it was his signature joke. and it was about rollerblades. it said:
"what is the hardest thing about learning to rollerblade?"
what? "telling your parents that you are gay."

it may not be appropriate, but its all i know about rollerblades. except that they hurt your ankles.

penny1010 said...

Your post reminds me of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

Natalie_S said...

But rollerblading used to be cool. I mean the cutest guy at my school rollerbladed...