Friday, May 2, 2008

oil = awesome

I like oil. If I could have my dreams come true, I would have 2 women, both approximately 11-feet tall, feeding me chilled grapes by hand while I laid on a floating air mattress in a pool.

And you know what would pay for all of this? Exactly.

11 foot tall women are not easy to come by. In fact, they have to be created in a lab. And you know what it takes to build a lab that churns out 11 foot tall women? Exactly.

Oil is good for all sorts of things. You can pour it on the ground. You can pour it in the ocean. You can drink it.

You can also go to war for as long as possible, with nations that never attacked you, but happen to have a booming oil industry, and say that oil has nothing to do with it.

But mostly, if I had one million dollars, I would spend all of those dollars on oil and then I would fill a pool with thick black oil and I would swim in it, using a snorkel. and then I would emerge from this pool, coated in oil, and I would shake people’s hands but it would be really hard because my skin would be very slick and slippery, so our hands would not grasp well.

And if I had a lot of oil, I would put it into barrels. Nobody really likes barrels anymore. It used to be that barrels were used for everything. I read about this recently while waiting for my food in a cracker barrel restaurant. People would shove grain and wheat and dead monkeys into barrels and sell them everywhere. But these days all the barrels are filled with oil and there isn’t room for the monkeys anymore.

If I had just a little bit of oil, like maybe just a milk jug filled with oil, you know what I’d do? I’d kill myself. I really would. I wouldn’t be able to stand it, having so little oil. I would pour what little oil I had out over my head and then I would dive headfirst into pool of piranhas. and they would eat me and I would die.

The other thing I like so much about oil is that it gives us a good reason to destroy alaska. its about time we declared war on those terrorist eskimos. die, alaska. I hate you.


brett said...

i really resonate with the section where you talk about only having a gallon of oil. because seriously, what's more depressing than just one gallon of oil?

this foals album is freaking killer! i can't stop listening to it.

Clint Wells said...

man, this is a really funny post. I "laughed out loud" a few times and even peed myself a little somewhere in there.

but the peeing was actually kindof unrelated to your blog.

Brian T. Murphy said...

brett - seriously. that foals record is killer. I'm telling everybody about it.

clint - glad you liked it.

Natalie_S said...

Right, this is just like those songwriters who write songs that I don't actually understand when I read the lyrics but are deeply moving when heard.

I'm with you on the oil overseas thing. I should tell you about a conversation I had with a friend in Australia. It was really funny and really sad at the same time and a really crazy commentary on American foreign policy (which almost defies mockery).

BrentR said...

If you had that blow-hole, you wouldn't need a snorkel.

The problem with Alaska is not the eskimos...its all the blinkin trees that are in the way.