Friday, February 29, 2008

why I do not like barack obama

I do not like barack obama. I feel like among my friends, this makes me unique, which is probably a big reason why I continue to not like barack obama. and, like all of my decisions, this opinion is based on a lot of extensive research and study. and of course, my personal relationship with mr. barack obama.

Up until about two weeks ago, I had only heard barack obama speak once, and I think that one time lasted less than 3hree minutes, and it was on television, at somebody else’s house because I don’t have a television because I am pretentious and awesome. He had a nice talking voice. And from his pictures, he seemed to have a nice haircut, and oprah likes him. And I understand that mr. obama has written a book. that sounds nice. And I also heard that obama tried some drugs back in the day, another positive, especially for all the republicans out there. And so I thought, “I must meet this barack obama”

So a few days ago, I hopped in my car and drove to pueblo, indiana, where barack was going to be addressing a small gathering of migrant students on the exquisite benefits of voting for him. I wasn’t considered a “migratory student” so I was kept outside of the building, but I found a tree that I climbed and when I squinted, and when the sun was just right, and when the clouds parted, I could see barack obama, standing there, talking about how awesome he was.

And let me tell you, it really was a little awesome. He was surrounded by 14 year old girls, half of whom had fainted, the other half were getting ready to faint. There were some boys in the room, and one of them raised his hand to ask a question, and barack ignored him, which I appreciated because the boys hand was blocking the view from more girls who were about to faint and hit the floor. Man those girls fell hard.

Anyway, after about 7 minutes and 38 seconds, barack obama asked if anyone had any questions, and then left the room before anybody could ask any. I thought “I like this guy”.

I knew he was heading to the car to travel to his next meeting (a town hall meeting at the recently renovated VA hospital), and I knew I would not be let into the next meeting because I was neither a veteran or a hospital, so I made my move.

“barack!” I yelled out.

He pretended not to hear me.

“barack, hey guy, remember me?! BTM? class of ’97?”

He pretended not to hear me.

“barack, want to see one of my nipples?”

I was about 15 yards away from barack, and moving in fast, and lifting up my shirt, and at this point I was tackled by a security guard who wrapped me up into a human ball and then lifted me off the ground with my hands behind my back in one fluid, seamless motion.

“man – you are a really fantastic security guard. barack, your security guards are awesome. really, top notch.”

And then he looked at me and said, “thanks, I think so too.”

At this point, barack got into a car and was whisked away, while I was tied to a tree and systematically beaten by three security guards. while they were beating me, I asked them questions, questions like “how did you get into this profession? How did you learn to beat people so well? Does it bother you that I am asking you so many questions? Would you mind wiping this blood from my left eye? I can’t see the blows coming from that side very well. What was your childhood like? Have you ever read my paper on blowholes? I was a c-student. Do any of you play in a band? Want to see my secret handshake?"

One of the guys said “let me see your secret handshake”.

So I said, “sure, first just untie me from this fine specimen of oak and I will show it to you.”

They untied me, but they didn’t trust me, so they hit me with a hammer on the top of my head and smashed some of my brain into my nostrils. It hurt. It hurt a lot, actually. my last words before I passed out were, “I do not like barack obama because he smashes people’s brains into their nostrils, and that is not the kind of change I can believe in.”

barack obama has been calling to apologize, and I have been screening his calls. those of you who know me know that he can either send me a text or an email if he really wants to get my attention.

meanwhile, I'll be voting for hillary.

14 comments:

Liz said...

brian, you should publish a book of short stories.

and a coffee table book of your photography.

i still want to hear the story about selling of a certain photograph to certain people in LA.

Elisa M said...

I am so confused right now. You showed your nipples to Obama...is he anti-nipple? This changes Everything for me, everything.

Carla Jean said...

Brian T. Murphy. I do not know what to think of you.

The Amy said...

Brian has awesome nipples. And, my children are afraid of his extremely hairy chest. Hey, maybe thats why Obama ran...he has the same fear. He does look pretty hairless doesn't he. What a smooth black man...smooth.

Emily said...

...and you know Hillary would love some nipple action.
Bill's chest has nothing on yours, or so it seems.

Benj said...

Damn it, Brian, you are turning your back on America! You shouldn't vote based on who you like but on brain size. This is what you have always taught me. I guess now the student must stand up and be the teacher (that's the kind of change Obama preaches, and the kind of change I believe in). Obama is a man. Hillary is a woman. Men have larger brains than women. Science, Brian. Please, don't forget all you've taught us.

Andrew and/or Amy said...

I don't know much about Barach (save for this informative piece), Hillary and her needed nipple action, Brian's nipples, or really anything.
I do feel, however, that this presidential race is reminding me how much I think I don't like politics.
What happens if we get rid of the presidency and replace it with some sort of council of 5 people. I could totally vote for the presidential office if Hillary Clinton, Barach Obama, John McCain, Ron Paul, and let's say.... either Bill Gates or Al Sharpton all held equal positions as co-president. And, I would vote for this Super-presidential office only if I, and anybody else could have a DVD copy of every time they met because it would be awsome.

Btw, I'm voting Mike Huckaby even if he's going to lose.

NatalieS said...

Ron Paul minority representing :P

Clint Wells said...

i think black obama is the shizzles.

but ron paul is the coolest loser i know.

dont vote, kids. but if you do, vote libertarian.

Jeff Irwin said...

seriously kids..
don't vote.
it's unconscionable.

oh, and while i have the kids attn..
don't piss off zeus when you're older..
cos he will smite your garden shed with lightning

Ang said...

Maybe it's a good thing you never got to show your secret handshake. Who knows where obama could get into with it.

shawn avery said...

this is FANTASTIC.

"So a few days ago, I hopped in my car and drove to pueblo, indiana, where barack was going to be addressing a small gathering of migrant students on the exquisite benefits of voting for him."

that is your best hunter s. thompson moment so far this year.

i too am having obama angst. he has a strong vision for the country and the political capital to move people to act on issues... but his domestic policy is straight up marxism.

when i doubt, i vote liberal. everyone should read the recent article by angelina jolie in the washington post. YES... HER.

once you read what she says about the war... you'll realize that clarity is what is needed in iraq, not the rhythm method.

PS: BTM SAVED MY ASS yesterday. it was impressive... ask him about it.

s.

brett said...

that was, quite simply, the best thing i've read all day.

JP said...

This says that if Barack or his security people hurt you, he should be able to heal you: http://www.larknews.com/march_2008/secondary.php?page=1

My plan is to sleep until January.