Friday, January 11, 2008

blowhole

I recently saw some photos of a friend who went whale watching. from the photos, it looked like the excursion consisted of the following activities: board boat, watch sea, photograph whale tail, observe zero blowholes, return to land.

I’m sorry, but if I journey into the sea for the purpose of seeing a whale, I want to see a blowhole. and not just one blowhole. I want to see one thousand blowholes. I want blowholes to hail from the sky and cut my flesh as I hold up my arms towards the heavens and loudly proclaim my love for the whale, my mammal fish brother who endlessly prowls the sea for the sole purpose of exhaling through the top of his skull.

And really what I’m getting at here is - I want a blowhole. for me, BTM, I want my very own blowhole. I am so weary of constantly having to use my mouth and nose to breathe. It’s cumbersome. It’s annoying. It takes too much time. sometimes I choke. why can’t I have a ventilation option which would happen to be located on the very top of my skull? Is this really too much to ask?

Animals have all sorts of special powers. for example, armadillos are made of steel, and they carry leprosy. and cheetahs have laser vision, and monkeys can use typewriters, and bears are really big and strong. what are human special powers? oh, our big brains? right. that does a lot of good when you ARE TRYING TO BREATHE OUT OF THE TOP OF YOUR SKULL. quite frankly, all my big brain does for me is get in the way of my intended blowhole.

If I were in charge of designing human bodies, I would make everyone else look pretty much how they look now, but when it came to designing myself, I would have special tubes going from my lungs, up my neck*, through my brain** and then there would be a big blowhole on the top of my head. and when I say big I mean BIG. like, it would be at least 9 inches in diameter and would be covered in whatever toenails are made of so I could paint it with nail polish, and I’d paint it solid matte black. and then I would tell people, “hey, what are you breathing out of? your MOUTH? geez that is so lame. look at this 9 inch black matte blowhole here – yup, the one on the top of my head - that’s what I’m breathing out of. your respiration path is SO lame.”


“BTM, I understand why you want a blowhole, but why did you make it so large?”

“The real question is ‘why are nostrils so small?’”


“Good point, I hate my nostrils. they are so small, you are right. you have the best blowhole, ever, BTM”.

“Thanks. I really like it.”


Another thing about whales is that they are mammals.

Just like the ostrich.


* there would be a slight neck bulge, which I would probably cover with masking tape and write the words “TUBE FOR BLOWHOLE”

** I’d remove the parts of my brain I never use to make space for the blowhole, which is actually a fairly large portion of my brain.

14 comments:

Nicholas said...

Reading this post made me do one thing. I took a ballpoint pen and shoved it in my adams apple. It bled for a while, but it produced a blowing hole of such. I have been using it for the past 30 minutes with great success. I'll let you know how eating goes.

Benj said...

Haha.

Jon Black said...

this reminds me of a South Park Episode.

Clint Wells said...

it reminds me of love making.

brett said...

i'd get mine chromed

Ang said...

all hail the random explosions of air from BTM's brain.

McCool said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McCool said...

I can make you a blowhole, brian.

As jon mentioned, this type of operation has only been reported in the literature one time, but i think it's a reasonable option if you want it.

CK said...

so glad to have provided the inspiration for such a post. my only question is, how would a blowhole cut your flesh? i mean, i totally understand wanting them to fall from the sky (yeah, yeah, as if we haven't heard that one before) and the whole black-matte-nail-polish bit (of course!) — but you have me confused with the whole flesh-cutting thing. what gives, BTM?

Jeff Irwin said...

[choking/laughing/wasted] great post

shawn avery said...

with a 9 inch blowhole, you would single-handedly RE-DEFINE the american porn industry.

Liz said...

clint and shawn - you had to take it there, didn't you? although it's rather hard not to what with 'blow' and 'hole' in the same sentence...

Leslie said...

dont you even start talking about whale watching...I dont just want to see the blow hole...my biggest dream in life is to swim next to a whale...SoI dont just want to see the blow hole I am going to put my mouth on the blow hole and breathe the exhale. Then we will become one...back and forth forever
>> ))(( <<

The Amy said...

2 things:
#1-growing up, we went on whale watching trips as field trips (part of the fun living so close to the ocean) I saw lots of blow holes and certainly a lot more whale tail that I can ever want to talk about. Plus I think I puked on the boat once...probably that ham sandwich with the little dots of cheese imbedded in the meat.
#2- I agree with the impatient feelings you have with your mouth and nose. Why have gapping holes filled with mucus and snot hanging open right over your mouth. The very least we can say is that our nose holes should be pointed upwards...thus giving us in a sense 2 blow holes.

I've said my peace and counted to 3