Tuesday, October 2, 2007

So, did the sports team score a lot of goals in the big game?

It’s not that I hate sports. I mean – who doesn’t love watching grown men perform the same maneuvers, over and over again, on a color television set? And I love balls and sports has a lot of balls. And I like physical fitness and good-looking people that collide and sweat on eachother. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I think all of those things are wonderful. I really do.

Oh, and I like how sports brings people together, like how the roman gladiator pits brought people together to watch real-life violent crime. Or how sports man Michael Vick used to get together with his good friends while they set dogs on fire after watching them eat eachother. I mean, it’s nice to go to a friend’s house and eat their food and hold their babies and talk with their women while they scream at their color television set and declare victory (or mourn defeat) based on how many goals their balls make.

So no, don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I hate sports. It’s not that at all.

It’s just that I really. don’t. care.

I went to college, somewhat regrettably, at auburn, which for those of you not from around here, is a big state school in south alabama with something like 30,000 students. It’s also a big football school, even though it seems to me that the team is pretty average. at auburn, they erected a massive shrine to sports right in the middle of the university campus, which they use, I think, about 5 times per year. this shrine cost about 900 billion dollars and seats about 4 million people. as a freshman at auburn, I felt like I needed to go to the shrine and attend the big game(s), and watch the balls go up and down the field, because the game was apparently awesome. and everybody said so.

And so I went.

But somewhere along the way, I admitted to myself that I really just. didn’t. care. whether team auburn lost or won. whether the opposing team cheated. whether the refs sucked. I just couldn’t seem to care. and so, I stopped going.

I used to sit at home while other people went to the big game(s) and write music, and read, (mostly I wrote music) and before long, I found this entire community of people who would meet in coffee shops or on porches and enjoy time together, reading poetry, playing music, talking for hours. I was told that I was gay for not liking football, and I remember my first thought being “what’s so bad about being gay?” I remember people telling me I was missing out, because the big game was so fun and exciting, but I stopped believing in them, just like I stopped believing in republicans.

I would hear stories of amazing touch passes and end safety zones and special points and I must admit, it sounded quite spectacular, but still, I just didn’t care.

And these days, the theme continues; only I’m more removed from the sports world than ever before. just this weekend, for example, on saturday evening, I was at the grocery store buying food for dinner, to feed the musicians and mix engineer that are currently finding their way in and out of my home, and the nice lady at the register says to me “oh, buying some food for the game?” and I looked up, totally not knowing what she was talking about (my mind was somewhere else) and I responded “game?”

It was at this point that I noticed her wearing an auburn jersey and buttons that said things like “war eagles” and “I bleed oranges and blue” and so I said, “no, I didn’t realize that there was a sporting event this evening.”

“you not from around here?”

“no. I am. I went to auburn, actually.”

At which point the nice lady had nothing else to say to me, and she looked at me like I was a monster; a monster that had just eaten 3 human babies and had baby blood dripping down my carnivorous lips and neck. and so, seeing that my credit card had been approved, I loudly declared “I”VE BEEN APPROVED!” and then I went back home.

I mean, there’s the occasional rendezvous – like last years trip to the talladega superspeedway (truck racing = awesome) and last year’s trip to an auburn game (some old friends talked me into it) where I was told during the car ride down that I was encouraging conversation that was “too heavy for a game day.” to which I responded “oh, my bad. balls! goals! big game! go eagles tiger!” and then we were all happy.

Someday I’m probably going to have a boy who is a stellar athlete. I’d be a little sad about that, but I’d also enjoy the irony. he’ll probably win an heisman prize for scoring a lot of football goals.

and by football I mean balls that you kick with your foot.


bob said...

sometimes i smell my balls. not too bad either, if i do say so myself!

Anonymous said...

you are such a sissy. this is so typical. "oh im an artist and Im better then everybdoy else"...

give me a break. get over yourself.

this blog is so lame. you are so full of yourself its pathetic.

John in Birmingham said...

Nice post. I think I'm heading in the opposite direction -- I used to hate (or just not care about) big-time sports as much as you do; never wanted to watch it on TV or go to games. But since moving to Alabama, I've started to surreptitiously watch college football games on TV in the basement, and even yell out loud occassionally. (Usually at random as I don't really get most of the terminology.) I'm even taking my kids to their first college football game this weekend, probably ruining their lives forever.

Brian, do you drink tap water? I think there's something in our water in Alabama that's making me like football against my will.

BrentR said...

I quit watching football when I quit watching TV. I don't miss it. My coworkers question how I could possibly survive without feeding my lifeblood with the "gameday" package. With such a package you could not only watch your favorite team's balls, but several team's balls all at once...and at the touch of a button to boot. Well...I don't miss it. Cheers.

Robert said...

College football is a subtle way of acknowledging that, even though we are all basically good people, I am still a little better than you because of my schools balls!

evan said...

Come on Anonymous. Nut up! Atleast put your name.

Oh, and sissy? Who says that?

Have you seen Brian's dog. Nothing says manly man like a dog willing to rip your thoat out at any moment.
Have you seen Brian's truck? Nothing says huge penis like that truck.

I am actually trying to like football less. I really enjoy the drama of the season. It is so much a part of the culture. My grandmother called me Saturday night after the game and yelled, "War Damn Eagle!"

PS - if anyone in this world is not full of themselves it is BTM

bruce said...

yeah, when i saw that truck i had to go buy a potato at the grocery store when were first met... that's why i was late

Matthew Smith said...

WOOOO!!! THE BIG GAME!!! I love The Big Game. TBG!

Liz said...

my dad says "roll tide" every time we get done asking the blessing at dinner.

bruce said...

liz's comment is so incredible - reminds me of the t-shirt i saw the other day. On the front, very big letters, 'TRUST IN HIM' and on the back a picture of Saban's face with THE SABIOR written underneath

so freaking incredible

Brian T. Murphy said...

bob - well. okay!

anon - wow. you got me. I got nothing.

john - I do drink tap water. almost exclusively, actually. I've decided that bottled water might be immoral.

brentr - I was not aware of any gameday packages. and I'm with you - I quit watching tv several years ago. I don't miss it at all.

robert - I have never agreed more with anything you have said.

evan - my truck is bright blue. does that make it less manly? I'm thinking about getting some warheads painted on the hood. warheads are so hot right now. your grandmother cracks me up. especially when she hands out 20s.

bruce - I totally knew that. nice potato, by the way.

msmtih - we all love the big game.

liz - classic.

bruce - I had to google saban to find out who he was. he seems like a nice coach.

Charlotte said...

I think my Dad is pretty disappointed that I'm not into it anymore. Much like you, I really don't care. It's a bunch of kids playing ball. Come on. I do have some happy childhood memories of tailgating, though. That was about the only example of community that I was exposed to as a child.

Anonymous said...

it seems like you spend a lot of time talking about how you don't care about sports, this is what your 3rd or 4th post on this

shawn avery said...

FOOTBALL is a meatheaded, completely idiotic sport. i loathe it.

it is the worst thing about living here. i'm totally caught in the redneck crossfire of orange and crimson.

Robert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robert said...

Here's an epiphany. Southern Baptists have done their part to make football what it is (in Al). We are all made to worship. We are all made to follow liturgy. We don't get so much of that in the typical southern church.

I submit to you that there is no more liturgical event in our culture than a college football game. It involves, corporate singing, corporate prayer and corporate response (through word and sacrament). The Greeks did it, the Romans did it, we do it. Artificial liturgy, artificial community, artificial worship... Of course, the same can be said of a rock concert, but the southern church culture is way more critical of that than they are "the game".

Brian T. Murphy said...

Charlotte – yeah I actually totally dig tailgating. It doesn’t look like I’ll be doing any tailgating in 2007, but in past years, I’ve enjoyed going down and sitting out with grills and beers and friends. It’s a great excuse for the party. and I’m a fun guy to bring along, because I prefer to stay outside and babysit, rather than go to the game.

Anon – actually, I think this is pretty much the first time I’ve mentioned it. I may have said something about it, with regard to women beating me up as I curl on the floor in the fetal position, but that’s about it. better luck next time with your counting. you’ll get better with experience, I am sure.

Shawn – we of course, completely agree on this.

Robert – I like it. but you’re on your own on that one.

Benj said...

I like sports, you self-absorbed asshole.

Anonymous said...

Um, that last post was actually not Benj, it was me.


Carla Jean said...

I feel compelled to respond to this entry... but I think my obsession doesn't need any explanation.

Roll Tide and such. :)

Jon Black said...

I'm with Benj. I like most sports except tennis and golf... and women's sports.

brett said...

if you really wanted people to think you didn't care you should have called it a football match.

Patrick Sewell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
george edema said...

The fact that your truck is bright blue does make it less manly.

Andrew and/or Amy said...

As I've said many times, and I will say again,


ManUtd17 said...

If you had called it a football match, people might've thought you were a fan of soccer. We could have been friends then.

And I love it when someone expresses an opinion and others who don't share it call that someone "self-absorbed." Project much Anon?

Christy D said...

I haven't lived in Bham for the last 8 years and I totally enjoy not being asked who I'm for or whatever. I hate football too...and I'll take this to the next level. My husband used to play football in college and I'm the one that has to deal with all of the effects from that. 15 years later and he still occasionally moans in pain from his injuries. Every time I am forced to have a football in view I just think "I feel sorry for those guy's future wives."