Thursday, August 23, 2007

some people make a lot of noise when they poop

We all poop. It’s funny, kind of, because the most beautiful person ever still has to drop trawl and poop from time to time, and there isn’t much beautiful about that. even my dog dingo poops, and when she does, I am usually with her, because she has to be walked on a leash, for fear that she will otherwise murder something, and when she poops, she usually looks at me with this “don’t look at me while I’m pooping” look.

I look away. I like to give her space.

I like to think that I’m a fairly discreet pooper. back in my younger days I used to enjoy going to public restrooms with a friend and sitting in adjacent stalls and making as much noise as possible. we’d moan and groan and yell and drop things in the toilet (like rocks) and then scream out an enormous, dramatic sigh of relief as the rock hit and toilet-water splashed on our clothes.. It was awesome. especially for the people who didn’t know what was going on.

But these days, I keep it pretty quiet. and I’m amused by the people who don’t. just two days ago, I was in a public bathroom and a guy was groaning so loud I thought I was going to have to go in and assist him (I didn’t). why is all the noise necessary? that’s what I want to know. and why doesn’t this guy think “I sure do like to groan while I poop, but I’m not at home, I’m in a public space, so I think I’ll put a lid on it?” that’s the other thing I want to know.

Even president putin, who recently stripped half-naked for a photo-shoot, and apparently looks AMAZING, poops. (as much as I look forward to the exodus of the W, looking at these photos makes me appreciate that he's not quite as shamelessly self-absorbed as his russian equivalent)

And natalie portman – who I have a big crush on (not really) (okay, really). she poops too. I have a friend named brandon who told me that he was in new york and he was at a bar and natalie portman was there and he totally freaked out and at one point he made eye contact with her and he was trying so hard to play it cool and she looked at him with this look that said “I know you are looking at me – why don’t you come over and say hello…” and he said he was paralyzed and couldn’t move. and then she was gone. and I was like “you totally should have asked her if she pooped. that would have not been awkward at all. and then you should have punched yourself in the forehead real hard for not talking to her when you had the chance.” and brandon said, “nice point, btm. you always make the nicest points.”

9 comments:

Nicholas said...

All I could think of when reading this post was Swift. . . care for some poetry?

http://plagiarist.com/poetry/8049/

Elisa M said...

This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "we talked about the same ole' shit"...

Benj said...

Even Jesus pooped. I wonder if he made all those noises.

e* said...

Jesus pooped?

Natalie Portman poops?!?!!!!!?

brett said...

i prefer fecal vomiting myself.

in case you don't know what that is it's when you have a blockage somewhere in your digestive tract and because the poop has to go somewhere, the next logical place is out of your mouth....tic tac?

Brian T. Murphy said...

I also have small mouth, and when I say the word "poop" it looks funny. ask me sometime and I'll say poop for you. I don't mind.

BrentR said...

Call me a latecomer. But I call Putin a King imposter.

leslie said...

I had a similar experience with natalie portman in new york. she was standing with moby and was a retard and went up and asked him what he was doing there. "I live here" So, I kept talking to him and realized that Natalie Portman was standing with him. So i also froze and eventually ended my converstaion with moby. I grabbed my cell and hid in a corner, called my friend, told him I just had this huge conversation with natalie portman and she wants to be friends with me (not true). she then heard me, walked by and looked at me like, "you're a freaking dumbass." Then I went and pooped on mysef. it all ties in together.

Split Personality said...

Some people poop with a wide stance. I heard it on CNN.