Wednesday, August 15, 2007

bottled water = public enemy #1

a lot of people are up in arms about the water bottles. saying that they are mostly just re-packaged tap water and that corporations are evil and that plastic water bottles are eating our planet. and it is interesting that supposedly, in places like fiji, the local population has trouble getting clean drinking water, meanwhile americans can regularly access their fiji water at convenience stores and gas stations.

Since this is clearly a massive issue of utmost importance, I am going to implement the clintwells interview format for the remainder of this worstweblogintheworld post:

Robot: BTM – what do you think about bottled water?
BTM – I’m sorry. we have to first address the fact that you are a robot. How did you get here?

Robot: I frequent theworstweblogintheworld. I am friends with the anonymous posters who lurk and tell you that you hate jesus. I also am friends with other robots, but that is to be expected.
BTM: do you have laser beams?

Robot: no. not really. I suppose I could be adapted to use laser beams, but currently I only have batteries and a single mechanical arm, which I use to type questions. I am only a simple robot.
BTM: I hate you, robot. I want a robot that has legs and can talk and can shoot laser beams at whales.

Robot: okay. that’s nice. So. What do you think about bottled water?
BTM: I hate bottles, and I hate water.

Robot: you seem to hate a lot of things.
BTM: and robots. I hate robots too.

Robot: yes. I know. well. do you think that bottled water is a crisis? I mean – it takes 1.5 million barrels of oil just to produce the bottles, not to mention the oil that is used to transport the bottled water. And it is estimated that Americans pay $1,400 a year for bottled water – and the same amount of water could be obtained from the tap for less than a dollar. What do you think about these issues?
BTM: I hate bottles and I hate water. But I love oil because I am an American.

Robot: you love oil?
BTM: yes. I love oil. I love it because it is oily. And I love drills. And I love oil leaks in the ocean.

Robot: now you are being ridiculous. you love oil spills?
BTM: sure. why not? volcanoes erupt and spew molten lava and gas balls and rip holes in the ozone and kill babies and everybody loves volcanoes. oil starts a few wars and kills a few sea turtles and everybody is freaking out about the oil. I say the more oil, the better. sea turtles are old anyway. and did you see finding nemo? sea turtles smoke marijuana. they are old, shell-bound, sea faring pot heads, and I say let them die.

Robot: everybody does not love volcanoes.
BTM: prove it.

Robot: …
BTM: one point, BTM, zero points, robot.

Robot: why do you hate bottles? is it because they pollute the planet?
BTM: the planet? No I hate that too. I hate all of the planets. I’ve addressed this previously. Don’t even get me started on Pluto.

Robot: so you don’t think pollution is a problem?
BTM: no, not really. I put my trash in a trash can and then it goes away and I don’t think about it.

Robot: what about the landfills?
BTM: when I was in 4th grade, which was 20 years ago, I remember them telling me that the landfills would all be full by the year 1996. I was terrified because I did not know what I was going to do with all my trash. But you know what happened? 1996 came and went and I still throw whatever I want in the garbage can.

Robot: what is your point?
BTM: my point is that 4th grade teachers are liars.

Robot: but clearly, you must admit that pollution is a problem.
BTM: …

Robot: amazing. so you love pollution, oil, and volcanoes, but you hate water, bottles, and planets?
BTM: I never said I loved volcanoes. I said I hate sea turtles. I only said that volcanoes spew lava and eat babies. horses also eat babies.

Robot: horses do not eat babies.
BTM: prove it.

Robot: horses eat grass.
BTM: horses eat whatever you put in their mouth. one time I put a nuclear warhead in a horse’s mouth and the stupid horse ate it. another time I rode a horse and it smashed me into a wall. People say that they like to ride horses. I say those people are crazy. You know what I like to ride? Cars. Cars are good for riding.

Robot: plus, cars use a lot of oil, which probably makes you happy.
BTM: exactly.

Robot: so what about the fact that the human body is made up of so much water? They say that up to 60 percent of the human body is water, the brain is composed of 70 percent water, the lungs are nearly 90 percent water, and about 83 percent of our blood is water.
BTM: lies. where did you learn that? 4th grade?

Robot: it’s science.
BTM: well first off, I am a Christian, so I disagree with your science. secondly, my body is not water. My body is made of bone and eyeballs and hair. Do I look like a sponge to you? no. I look like a human. And blood? 83% water? I don’t think so. blood is red and water is clear. I’m so tired of people getting blood and water confused. It’s simple. Water is for drinking and blood is for bleeding. Only vampires drink blood and vampires go to hell. Do you want to go to hell, robot? Do you?

Robot: I do not want to go to hell.
BTM: good. well, don’t drink blood. And stop saying that blood is 83% water.

Robot: do you donate blood?
BTM: you mean “do I let women in white uniforms stab the back of my elbow with needles and extract a red non-water substance, in exchange for orange juice and hydrox cookies?”

Robot: yes.
BTM: no. I definitely do not donate blood. I figure the blood is in the back of my elbow for a reason.

Robot: but donating blood saves lives.
BTM: so do life jackets, but you don’t see me donating life jackets, do you?

Robot: this truly is theworstweblogintheworld.
BTM: have I mentioned that sea turtles also spread cancer?


jimpharr. said...

hi. you don't know me, but i know someone you do. his name is aaron slaten. i read your blog when i found it on aaron's blog. it was entertaining. thank you.

jim pharr.

i don't usually name-drop like that, but i tried to make a connection so i'm not so anonymous.

Matthew Smith said...

i like to ride cars

Benj said...

I donated some life jackets to a homeless shelter the other day. Those homeless people better wear them when they ride on their sailboats.

Robert said...

This post is almost as funny as Lewis Black.

Nicholas said...

I wish the robot did have laser beams, then it could accurately measure my height. Which is exactly 6 feet. That has been measures by a laser beam. Possibly even a robotic one. Also laser is in acronym.

In summation this Robot BTM is not as good as the laser that measured my height.

Mojo Denbow said...

*Dr. Evil voice*
OK, people is too much to ask for a robot with frickin laser beams? Throw me a bone here...

shawn avery said...

holy shit. this took a WHILE to write. well done.

i personally hate robots too, unless i'm playing on stage... then i need them.

Clint Wells said...

mojo denbow - it was sharks with lazer beams. not robots.

don't get me wrong. i appreciate and dig the austin powers reference. just splitting hairs because i happen to be intoxicated.

and by intoxicated i definitely mean drunk with the spirit.

Queen of the Squirrels said...

I saw your comment on Angie's blog, which made me realise that it's been ages since I commented here. Also:

Robots should always have laser beams, and Pluto rocks. That is all.

Matt Churnock said...

I had a martini (which is probably at least 50% water) with Lewis Black (who is at least 75% water and 100% full of himself) at a resort in Arizona (where you need at least 75% water to live). This is uncanny. If you could somehow bottle my martini experience with Lewis Black in the desert of AZ we would complete the circle...

well done BTM