Thursday, July 19, 2007

BTM = parallel parking enthusiast

A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I love to park. When I was a child, I used to visualize taking a car and parking it, perfectly, between two precariously placed vehicles. And at other times, often as I aged towards my twenties, I would visualize the same thing, only instead of parking between cars, I would park between two heaping columns of fire, and if I miscalculated my park job I would of course be penalized and immediately catch fire and burn to death, while simultaneously being shot by army men holding machine guns.

Machine guns are like regular guns, except they are operated by machines, whereas regular guns are often operated humans, or Dick Cheney.

People said I was an odd child because of my parking dreams, but really, I was an odd child for much better reasons, like because I drank out of the toilet and scraped bark off trees for snacking. And when all the other little boys were pretending to be in the army, I was pretending like I was eating other little boys with a fork, and wondering what they would taste like with parmesan cheese, or mozzarella.

Sometimes I would just stand there, holding a fork in my hand while I stared at the other little boys with this sort of dreamy, longing, hungry gaze, and people would say “look – there’s that weird kid with the parallel parking dreams!” and I would snarl at them and say in flat-monotone “I bet you are delicious with a light raspberry-chipotle glaze” as I scraped with my other hand at a nearby magnolia for bark.

People think that parallel parking is easy. people think anyone can do it. that is wrong. Tanks, for example, are really hard to parallel park because they don’t have tires, and they are made of metal.

One time I was eating a sandwich, and this lady drove up in a massive SUV and I said to my friend – “look at that lady in that massive SUV – I bet you that she will parallel park this like a total champion.” And my friend and I watched as this lady, with the precision of a laser-guided missile, perfectly angled her ford excursion into the parallel parking space. and then this lady got out - a beautiful young lady in a dark dress, with golden, flowing hair and a blue-tooth-enabled cell phone attached directly to her left ear hole – and my friend and I had sandwich falling out of our dropped-open mouths as we stared at her, and she walked by and said to us, “nice park job, huh?” and then she winked at me and I said “raspberry-chipotle” and then my friend punched me in the eyebrow because the moment was so perfect somebody just had to be punched.

Some day I want to jump out of a car while it is being parallel parked, into another car that is driving by, and then parallel park that car. That would be incredible. It would probably be a dream come true.


Clint Wells said...

dude, im just going to go ahead and say this:

i am an excellent parker. and to be more specific, i am an excellent parallel parker. when i see an opportunity to parallel park i become excited because parking well makes me feel good but also because i know when people see me park in a difficult situation with such ease they think, "dang!"

in other words: i super-resonated with this post. rock on.

brett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brett said...

it's difficult to parallel park the tundra

Patrick Sewell said...

Lacking a parallel parking space, do you prefer diagonal or perpindicular? I think I'm a diagonal fan...

Brian T. Murphy said...

clint - I have seen you park many times with my own eyes, often as a passenger in your vehicle, and I can attest that you are in fact a capable and excellent motor vehicle operator.

brett - agreed. in fact, it is one of the few things I hate about the tundra.

patrick - diagonal, of course. urban designers LOVE the diagonal parking situation.

shawn avery said...

i parrallel park at least 10 times a week. my specialty is speed. i can park very fast, with minimal turns.

i never did this before living in bham.

Matt Churnock said...

As an urban designer I have to say that I do, in fact, love diagonal parking. However, I must clarify that 30 degree parking is vastly superior to 60 degree parking in almost all ways. Both are diagonal, but they are certainly not equal.

I am not scared to admit that the only points taken off on my driving test were from where I hit the cone in my parallel parking examination. But a '87 Chevy Celebrity Wagon in not an easy boat to dock!

Nicholas said...

BTM: Best.Post.Ever.

I would like to say two things. 1) I have never gotten over the fact that they stopped testing Parallel Parking in Alabama when I took my driving test. 2) Cars now Parallel Park themselves, this is because of robots inside them, can you out park a robot? Well can you, John Henry?

ersatz said...

Kelly was very happy when you parallel parked her car at the sweet ass Spots show the other day. She appreciated it.

Big Buck Hunter said...

I think they dropped the parallel parking requirement in North Carolina driving tests.


Anonymous said...

just wanted to let you know... that as a tractor salesman... i can tell you that it is actually easier to park a tank than it is to park a car. the tracks will counter rotate so you can do a 360 while sitting still... just thought i would let a parking enthusiast know -- grant