Tuesday, May 29, 2007

recently discovered: 28 new planets


not me. not you either. you tell me that you care about planets that are not named earth and I will tell you that you are a liar, as I also punch you in the ear with my clenched fist.

hello. my name is brian t. murphy, and you know what I hate? planets. that’s right. I hate all of the planets.

all of them. the big ones and the little ones and the ones that are frozen and the ones that are molten lava gas balls. I hate all of the planets.

You know why I hate the planets? because growing up (let’s ignore for the moment, the fact that all of my issues stem from some sort of childhood experience), I had to learn about the planets. oh and I learned. I learned that venus is green and that mars is red and cold and will some day become a space-base-station where we will attack the USSR and finally win the cold war and defeat the communists who starve babies on purpose. and I learned that jupiter is so big that it has moons bigger than the equator, and that saturn has rings of nasty gas, and I even learned about pluto, which is not really even a planet anymore. go to hell, pluto.

I think the only planet I ever liked was uranus, because whenever you said uranus, you literally were saying “your anus” which is of course hilarious at any age, unless you happen to not have an anus, in which case that planet is never humorous. but I happen to have an anus, so that planet offered me joy in an otherwise ever-expanding universe of misery.

People always talk about how there might be life on other planets. let me tell you something. there isn’t. it’s fun to think about aliens that look like humans in costumes who shoot laser beams and drive spaceships that look like airplanes. but in reality, there is no life on other planets because other planets are covered in slime and gas and ash from exploding stars. it’s true.

Also, there is no air in space. I do not know this from experience. in fact, I only know this based on movies, but still, there is no air in space, which means that stars are liars because everyone knows that fire needs air and stars are big exploding fire balls. so either science or stars are lying, and I say that it is the stars who are lying, and again, this is why I hate all of the planets.

My last point is that planets are far away.


brett said...


my very excellent mother just served us nine pizzas

is in fact:

my very excellent mother just served us nine

which makes no sense and isn't even a complete sentence. damn you first grade!

Nicholas said...

This is my favorite blog post. Ever.

I love planets. I love that more have been discovered.

The more things in space we discover, the more people understand the creation story to be a myth.

And I will take a punch in the ear for that.

Jon Black said...

I'm still disappointed I will never go to space... unless space tourism really takes off. until then, all I have is space mountain at disney world and a large imagination... oh, and battlestar galactica.

Nicholas said...

I made leslie promise me if we ever became billionaires that I could go up into space like that backstreet boy.

shawn avery said...

i love you so hard brian murphy.

The Wootton's said...

There is a reason your blog is in my entertainment bookmark.

BTW- they don't pronounce it "your anus" anymore because of kids like you.......it's "urine us"


Clint Wells said...

i think hell is in space.

actually i think hell is on earth.


Brian T. Murphy said...

brett - your comment has confused me, but definitely, that first grade was a real bother.

nicholas - creation story = myth? no way! and yes, if I ever = billionaire, I want to shoot into orbit as well.

jon - space tourism taking off - that's exactly what will happen, off a launch pad.

shawn - well, shucks.

claudia - glad I can be entertaining. oh, and "urine us" is a major improvement. those educators are always one step ahead. probably because of the no child left behind legislation that is currently saving all of our children.

clint - hell is not god. hell can't be two places at once.

Aaron said...

welcome back BTM.
i am shocked at how well you know the planets. all i remember is in 6th grade i spelled "Solar System" like this "Solar Systme" on my big prject. Yes I am dyslexic and yes my teacher laughed at my spelling.

John in Birmingham said...

I have a cool/scary DVD about "The Planets" narrated by Patrick Stewart. Brian, maybe if you watch it you will love the planets, too.

brett said...

my very excellent mother just served us nine pizzas

m. v. e. m. j. s. u. n. p.

mercury venus earth mars jupiter saturn uranus neptune pluto

apparently you missed out on this extremely helpful mnemonic device.

Nicholas said...

Fact of the Day

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay."

Anonymous said...

nobody went to the moon, morons

Benj said...

Also, we never landed on the moon. I agree.

Clint Wells said...

we totally did not go to the moon.

also...there was a riveting episode of saved by the bell in which screech learned the order of the planets by a saying "mvemjsunp!"

a classic!

Brian T. Murphy said...

Aaron – your teacher was cruel.
John – if anybody can help me to love the planets, it is certainly captain Jean-Luc Picard
Brett – yeah somehow I totally missed out on that mnemonic device. I didn’t go to good schools when I was young.

Nicholas – I bet it was actually “I can’t believe how big of a liar I am”

Benj – the government made the moon in a factory.

Clint – the moon is in california. screech sells tshirts now. I bought one of them.

Benj said...

Stanley Kubrick directed the moon landing as a sequel to "2001."

CK said...

Moon? Planets? Whatever. "Outer space" doesn't exist. The whole thing is a hoax. I mean, have you ever been there?

Daniel said...

This was also my favourite blog post ever. I am crying slightly. Thank you, Brian T Murphy, for making my day.

Supabloggasuprememama said...

When I was little, we were all assigned planets to do reports on, (oral, of course) and I scored Uranus. it was awesome.

My fave line from this "go to hell Pluto"

but I do have to disagree with you as far as your sarcastic rant (or perhaps serious rant, in which case I am deeply saddened for you) goes...I love the planets. I still want to be an astronaut one day.

Anonymous said...

Hey fuck face, I love learning things about everything. I love the planets and believe people like you should be put on your own ideot island so that smart people can learn more and find more. Dumbass. POWER TO KNOWLEDGE!!!

Pau Paus said...