worstweblogintheworld

I have a few friends – one in particular – who subtly encourage me to be more comfortable with the fact that I really need to be still. I feel torn because I like to go to parties and see people and laugh with people and sing with people and talk about how confused and scared we all are. And I feel compelled to spend a lot of time with people. I live for long nights, cool breezes, stiff drinks, hard conversations. I have a lot of truly beautiful friendships and people I care about, and I am thankful for that.

And I feel like a lot of people need me and that is probably not even very true but sometimes I feel like I’m carrying this heavy load and all I want to do is lay down underneath it, and hope for rain.

And I make this music that I don’t even believe in, and the way it affects people strikes me somewhere deep inside and I don’t know what to do with that. It makes me feel really alone. And I feel very misunderstood and I realize that is mostly my fault. And part of me wants to just totally blow all that up and just let people be disappointed in me.

I quit my job a few weeks ago, sort of. I’ve been working in economic development for several years now – it started when brooke was in grad school and I had to take on extra work to get her through school – I was with the chamber of commerce, and the past 6 months I’ve been working out in shelby county. It’s actually a really good job / career path, and I guess I’m kind of good at it, which surprises me, but I’ve had some tremendous opportunities come my way in recent months and I have to go for it. so I’m now working part time for the county, and I have more time to pursue my other interests. ultimately, I’m pursuing self-employment, which has been my goal from the beginning.

And I have more time to live my life. I’m going to try to not work so much.

I’ve been getting a lot of work as a photographer lately. Like, a lot. I’m actually kind of angry about that. Actually, I think I’m really angry about that. I’ve told a few people about it but I feel weird talking about it.

The thing about me is, I’m not a photographer. A friend told me recently that the reason people probably like my photography as much as they do is because I don’t hide behind it so much. that since I don’t care about it as much (as my music) that there is a freeness to it that translates a little easier to people.

I guess that’s all probably true. But it still makes me angry.

maybe I’ll write more about this later.